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SIXTY FOUR ✖ SPAM & VIDEO
[Spam for Erik, slightly backdated]
[Charles is sitting in a comfortable chair in his room, flipping through a new biology book he'd recently discovered in the library, and while he should be focused on what he's reading, he's not, and he hasn't been for a long time, which is entirely the fault of the other occupant of the room.
Erik's been quiet, and for a while Charles had been attributing that to the fact that they were both focusing on the books they were flipping through, but there was definitely something... off about him that he can't quite put his finger on. There's almost always at least a slight telepathic connection between the two of them these days, and usually it was handy to point out different things in the texts without having to get up and show the other, but Erik's just. Quiet. And he's been fidgety, like he has a bad headache or didn't get enough sleep the night before, which is sort of strange too, considering the other mutant usually liked to keep a lid on when things like that were bothering him.
Finally, he can't take it anymore and puts the book aside entirely, staring at his friend and just coming out with the question.]
What's wrong?
[Notice that he's not giving you opportunity here to say that you're fine, because something is definitely wrong, and you are going to fess up about it. :|]
[Private to Spock, backdated to after Sulu's announced that he's back]
I hope this isn't a bad time- [Although from his tone, this is serious fucking business and he doesn't really care if he's interrupting anything right now because asldkjsdglj!!!!!] Have you spoken to Erik or Anya since you've arrived back on the Barge?
[Private to Anya]
We need to talk.
[Like. Right this second. Spoilers: you're grounded. :|]
[Charles is sitting in a comfortable chair in his room, flipping through a new biology book he'd recently discovered in the library, and while he should be focused on what he's reading, he's not, and he hasn't been for a long time, which is entirely the fault of the other occupant of the room.
Erik's been quiet, and for a while Charles had been attributing that to the fact that they were both focusing on the books they were flipping through, but there was definitely something... off about him that he can't quite put his finger on. There's almost always at least a slight telepathic connection between the two of them these days, and usually it was handy to point out different things in the texts without having to get up and show the other, but Erik's just. Quiet. And he's been fidgety, like he has a bad headache or didn't get enough sleep the night before, which is sort of strange too, considering the other mutant usually liked to keep a lid on when things like that were bothering him.
Finally, he can't take it anymore and puts the book aside entirely, staring at his friend and just coming out with the question.]
What's wrong?
[Notice that he's not giving you opportunity here to say that you're fine, because something is definitely wrong, and you are going to fess up about it. :|]
[Private to Spock, backdated to after Sulu's announced that he's back]
I hope this isn't a bad time- [Although from his tone, this is serious fucking business and he doesn't really care if he's interrupting anything right now because asldkjsdglj!!!!!] Have you spoken to Erik or Anya since you've arrived back on the Barge?
[Private to Anya]
We need to talk.
[Like. Right this second. Spoilers: you're grounded. :|]
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Responses flit through her mind - she knows he didn't mean her harm, but he still would have found things she didn't want him to see, just by stumbling on them while she ratcheted through her panic; she honestly believed, in her bones, that hers was still the weaker ability, and she doesn't know if that was rational based on the Vulcan ability's touch limitations or simply a deep subconscious assumption; that she's hideously sorry.
She doesn't say any of them. It's too ingrained in her, that no one wants excuses when they're telling her how she's wrong. If it were a fight, she'd spit them out, but it isn't. She could have killed him, and it doesn't even matter that he wouldn't have stayed dead. She was reckless, she assumed wrong, and he would have paid the price. So she takes the quiet lecture as her due, jaw tight, face blank, occasionally swallowing around the lump in her throat, and keeps quiet until he's done.]
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Are you going to say anything?
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[She has one shoulder half-lifted, hunch and question at once, her voice not quiet quavering, nervous and shifty, the tone of someone who wants very badly to give the right answer but suspects that all the rules may have just been changed around them.]
I don't - I messed up. I'm sorry. I'm not going to try to make excuses.
[She expects him to continue. Expects to be punished on some level that hasn't even considered how little authority he actually has over. She did wrong, and it's hitting her in some tight, tangled place where everything Magneto ever said about her worthlessness lives coiled, walled off and waiting.]
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I'm just- I don't understand. Were the potential risks really worth "leveling the playing field" instead of finding another alternative? Spock's abilities are more limited than mine, but that doesn't mean they aren't as potentially dangerous or damaging.
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[It pops out of her, more honest than she intended, or even quite knew.]
I was stupid. I'm sorry.
[It's not at all rote; there is something catechistic about the recital of her failings, but it is the rhythm of earnest belief, to a clicking metronome of faint desperation (though desperate for what, she couldn't say).]
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[And he says it plainly enough, but the sense of dread and terrible panic when he realized something was wrong was still hovering over his head like an oppressive cloud. He couldn't lose Erik, not after everything they've been through, and the fact that he might have terrifies him.]
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...I didn't know. I didn't know it could do anything that bad just by accident and I know it doesn't matter and I'm still responsible and it was terrible. You're right, what do you want me to say?
[Her voice is cracking again and she blinks, rapidly. She won't cry. She's the villain here.]
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I'm trying to understand, because I want to believe you didn't want to hurt him, and I do, but on another level, I honestly don't know why this happened. And I want to.
holy run on sentence OTL
I'm not surprised that you're upset.
[She's surprised that he wants to understand, even though he always does, because she's stumbled into a headspace where she still believes there isn't anything in her to understand, anything worth understanding. Magneto always had his own explanations for her unacceptable behavior.
But she is listening to him, not merely enduring his anger, and his plaintive, frustrated search for her answers tugs her back a few steps out of her past. She still feels the terrible creeping fear that saying more means she's totally exposed, that she's being idiotically foolish, that trying to offer any explanation will only get her in worse trouble, but - she asked him to be brutally honest. He opened with that. It's still a small leap of faith, believing that he means it when he says he wants to hear some part of her side just as much as he means the castigations. But it's - consistent, with what she knows of him. And she owes it to Erik, at least, to take the risk.]
I don't know either. Not completely. It all happened really fast. I was going to meet Spock and I was already really keyed up and nervous and kind of weirded out because I hate floods that make me not human, it's like, like everything that mattered about my life can just be erased. And I was going to learn to do it right, and I was going to ask, or that was one of the plans anyway, but I was thinking about a dozen different things and then suddenly he's there and groaning and putting words in my head without talking, and I just thought, he was going to see all the worst parts of me and realize he'd made a terrible mistake and it wasn't fair, it wasn't fair for everyone else to always be stronger, and it wasn't fair for him to make himself so important to me and then recoil before I'd had a chance to see if he really meant any of it, and I knew if I ran to the lesson he'd know why because he was in my head, and he'd be prepared not to let me touch him if I tried again afterwards and I'd never get another chance to know, so I just - grabbed the opportunity.
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He tries to keep his voice level, to say his piece without sounding angry, even though it's almost startling to realize how selfish she sounds, even if he does understand where it's coming from. He's been trying to give her more of a chance than he had when she'd first arrived and he'd found out about what she'd done, but he couldn't forget why she was here, no matter how much he might want to.
Still. He was hoping she'd made more progress than this.]
Do you honestly not see how selfish and potentially dangerous that was? I understand why it's difficult for you to trust the motives of people who say they care about you, but that's not an excuse to put them at risk just to prove that they're telling the truth.
Erik cares about you, and unless there's something I'm not aware of, he already knows the worst things you've done, and he cares about you even after hearing about them. If you'd explained it, he might even have let you initiate contact safely. It's not fair to him - someone who legitimately wants the best for you, even when it would have been easy to just walk away from the entire situation - and I wish you could see that.
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Yes, I do see. Now. But you asked.
And I wasn't thinking it all out like that, it was just, split second fears and it didn't seem dangerous at the time! Unfair to him and I felt bad about that but my Father loved me too, Charles, he really absolutely did right until he didn't anymore, and.
I just. I didn't imagine there was anything I could do that he couldn't protect from, not if I wasn't trying and even then. I was wrong, and that's my fault and it's on me but. I really didn't.
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It just. It seemed like it would be better if all the flailing was. Mutual.
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...I won't.
[She still has the same impulses, but she will, at the very least, be a lot more careful about checking for possible side effects before she goes for the jugular in future. Almost killing Erik by accident has actually scared her pretty bad.]
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...he's really going to be okay though?
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[And he's so, so, so incredibly relieved, even though he's still scared that this could happen. At least now he hopefully knows what to do if it happens again.]
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[She's growing vaguely afraid that he's never going to hang up on her, that he's going to let her twist in the wind, that he doesn't even know ending the conversation is his decision. She wants to run and hide, wants to throw herself in Lua's arms and not be the person who did this. She bites her lip, thumb on the button, dallying for a moment in case he has anything else to say.]
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