SIXTY FOUR ✖ SPAM & VIDEO

[wedonot]

[Spam for Erik, slightly backdated]

[Charles is sitting in a comfortable chair in his room, flipping through a new biology book he'd recently discovered in the library, and while he should be focused on what he's reading, he's not, and he hasn't been for a long time, which is entirely the fault of the other occupant of the room.

Erik's been quiet, and for a while Charles had been attributing that to the fact that they were both focusing on the books they were flipping through, but there was definitely something... off about him that he can't quite put his finger on. There's almost always at least a slight telepathic connection between the two of them these days, and usually it was handy to point out different things in the texts without having to get up and show the other, but Erik's just. Quiet. And he's been fidgety, like he has a bad headache or didn't get enough sleep the night before, which is sort of strange too, considering the other mutant usually liked to keep a lid on when things like that were bothering him.

Finally, he can't take it anymore and puts the book aside entirely, staring at his friend and just coming out with the question.]

What's wrong?

[Notice that he's not giving you opportunity here to say that you're fine, because something is definitely wrong, and you are going to fess up about it. :|]

[Private to Spock, backdated to after Sulu's announced that he's back]

I hope this isn't a bad time- [Although from his tone, this is serious fucking business and he doesn't really care if he's interrupting anything right now because asldkjsdglj!!!!!] Have you spoken to Erik or Anya since you've arrived back on the Barge?

[Private to Anya]

We need to talk.

[Like. Right this second. Spoilers: you're grounded. :|]

Comments

[wedonot]

I don't know. I'm just upset, and I don't know why this would come as such a surprise. Minds are incredibly fragile, and telepathy isn't something you just... do something like this with. I thought you'd understand.

I'm trying to understand, because I want to believe you didn't want to hurt him, and I do, but on another level, I honestly don't know why this happened. And I want to.

holy run on sentence OTL

[fridgetothefire]

[Quietly,]

I'm not surprised that you're upset.

[She's surprised that he wants to understand, even though he always does, because she's stumbled into a headspace where she still believes there isn't anything in her to understand, anything worth understanding. Magneto always had his own explanations for her unacceptable behavior.

But she is listening to him, not merely enduring his anger, and his plaintive, frustrated search for her answers tugs her back a few steps out of her past. She still feels the terrible creeping fear that saying more means she's totally exposed, that she's being idiotically foolish, that trying to offer any explanation will only get her in worse trouble, but - she asked him to be brutally honest. He opened with that. It's still a small leap of faith, believing that he means it when he says he wants to hear some part of her side just as much as he means the castigations. But it's - consistent, with what she knows of him. And she owes it to Erik, at least, to take the risk.]

I don't know either. Not completely. It all happened really fast. I was going to meet Spock and I was already really keyed up and nervous and kind of weirded out because I hate floods that make me not human, it's like, like everything that mattered about my life can just be erased. And I was going to learn to do it right, and I was going to ask, or that was one of the plans anyway, but I was thinking about a dozen different things and then suddenly he's there and groaning and putting words in my head without talking, and I just thought, he was going to see all the worst parts of me and realize he'd made a terrible mistake and it wasn't fair, it wasn't fair for everyone else to always be stronger, and it wasn't fair for him to make himself so important to me and then recoil before I'd had a chance to see if he really meant any of it, and I knew if I ran to the lesson he'd know why because he was in my head, and he'd be prepared not to let me touch him if I tried again afterwards and I'd never get another chance to know, so I just - grabbed the opportunity.

[wedonot]

[Charles listens. And tries to wrap his mind around the explanation. And tries. And tries.

He tries to keep his voice level, to say his piece without sounding angry, even though it's almost startling to realize how selfish she sounds, even if he does understand where it's coming from. He's been trying to give her more of a chance than he had when she'd first arrived and he'd found out about what she'd done, but he couldn't forget why she was here, no matter how much he might want to.

Still. He was hoping she'd made more progress than this.]

Do you honestly not see how selfish and potentially dangerous that was? I understand why it's difficult for you to trust the motives of people who say they care about you, but that's not an excuse to put them at risk just to prove that they're telling the truth.

Erik cares about you, and unless there's something I'm not aware of, he already knows the worst things you've done, and he cares about you even after hearing about them. If you'd explained it, he might even have let you initiate contact safely. It's not fair to him - someone who legitimately wants the best for you, even when it would have been easy to just walk away from the entire situation - and I wish you could see that.

[fridgetothefire]

[She chokes out,]

Yes, I do see. Now. But you asked.

And I wasn't thinking it all out like that, it was just, split second fears and it didn't seem dangerous at the time! Unfair to him and I felt bad about that but my Father loved me too, Charles, he really absolutely did right until he didn't anymore, and.

I just. I didn't imagine there was anything I could do that he couldn't protect from, not if I wasn't trying and even then. I was wrong, and that's my fault and it's on me but. I really didn't.

[wedonot]

He didn't want to hurt you. He doesn't know how to fully control telepathy, either.

[fridgetothefire]

I know. I know, that was part of it. He wouldn't pry on purpose but he wasn't controlling it so his intentions didn't matter.

It just. It seemed like it would be better if all the flailing was. Mutual.

[wedonot]

Don't do it again. Please.

[fridgetothefire]

[Miserable, chastened.]

...I won't.

[She still has the same impulses, but she will, at the very least, be a lot more careful about checking for possible side effects before she goes for the jugular in future. Almost killing Erik by accident has actually scared her pretty bad.]

[wedonot]

Thank you.

[fridgetothefire]

[She bites her lip, not sure if that was a dismissal or not, or what she's supposed to do.]

...he's really going to be okay though?

[wedonot]

Yes.

[And he's so, so, so incredibly relieved, even though he's still scared that this could happen. At least now he hopefully knows what to do if it happens again.]

[fridgetothefire]

Would you. Tell him I'm sorry, please.

[wedonot]

I will.

[fridgetothefire]

Thank you.

[She's growing vaguely afraid that he's never going to hang up on her, that he's going to let her twist in the wind, that he doesn't even know ending the conversation is his decision. She wants to run and hide, wants to throw herself in Lua's arms and not be the person who did this. She bites her lip, thumb on the button, dallying for a moment in case he has anything else to say.]

[wedonot]

[Nope, that's it. The feed clicks off, because it's obvious there's nothing left to say from either of them.]