FIFTY FIVE ✖ VOICE/SPAM

[wedonot]

Mark and I have been discussing making ourselves available to anyone who feels that they need someone to talk to in a more traditional, therapy setting after what happened with Toshiko taking control of the ship. It doesn't require warden permission, and anything discussed will be considered entirely confidential, unless we believe there's a direct threat posed to yourself or to others by not saying anything.

[And he hesitates a beat before saying anything else, because lol does he feel like a hypocrite for saying it.] I know it isn't easy to talk with someone about this sort of thing, but you don't have to cope with it on your own. That goes for wardens, too.

If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask.

[Private to Anya]

You neglected to mention the wise and gentle advisor was a monkey. [But he sounds more amused than anything else, really.]

[Private to Felix]

[This is considerably harder to get into, and there's a part of him that's almost resistant to try, but guilt ends up winning out as it usually does.]

I wanted to apologize for how our conversation went the other day. Toshiko's actions tore open a few more old wounds than I'd like to admit, and I wanted to step away from the conversation without- [Making it obvious how badly he'd been fucked up. :v

He cuts himself off, frustrated with not just being able to brush this off, and not wanting to make it look like he was trying to make excuses.] I should have articulated myself better and I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to seem like I was being dismissive.

[Spam for Erik]

[Charles set the comm aside and put his head in his hands, pressing the heels against his eyes and just trying to breathe. It was stupid, to let a teenager - and one known to be obnoxious and prone to exaggeration - get under his skin, but he was so tired of people accusing him of having some sinister motive when all he wanted to do was help people (even though he couldn't help Morgana, he couldn't help Erik or anyone, really), of suggesting he'd use his ability invasively without asking permission, and Chris throwing the fact that he'd looked up to him in his face had caught him off guard.

And how messed up was he for feeling guilty about that, that he wasn't the person Chris wanted him to be, when Chris was the one who was overreacting?

He hated it here. He wanted to go home. At least there, it felt like he was doing some tiny amount of good, compared to here where it felt like every time he opened his mouth, he just made things worse.

Darwin had said that he gave people hope. He didn't think that was true anymore. It felt like the Barge - or probably more specifically, the Vanquish - had twisted and broken something, something vital, and no matter how hard he tried to hold the pieces together, it just kept shattering as soon as too much weight got put on it, or if he dared to let it try to stand on its own.

He didn't know what to do. He was tired, and angry - at himself, at the Admiral, at everyone, really - and scared, because he felt helpless and damaged and he didn't know how to fix it, and God, that's all he wanted. He wanted to be confident and self assured and happy-

He didn't want to think about it. He just wanted to pack everything away and not have to deal with any of this, and so he clenched his teeth and kept just trying to breathe, squeezing his eyes shut and forcing his lungs to expand and contract, trying to just think of calm, find that place of serenity.]

Comments

private

[fridgetothefire]

[She laughs, but not meanly. Hanuman is great, okay okay.]

It must have slipped my mind.

private

[wedonot]

[Hey, he wasn't saying he's not, it was just. Surprising.]

Thank you for the recommendation, I've been enjoying it.

[moreincommon]

Thanks for making the announcement, Dr. Xavier. I'd like to add that I'm available to take questions as well.

[wedonot]

It's no trouble. And please, Charles is fine.

[moreincommon]

If that's what you prefer, Charles it is.

[mistconduct]

Oh, wow.

Can we get some actual therapists I like?

Holy fuck. You and Mark. It's like the dynamic duo of shit.

[wedonot]

No one's going to force you to meet with either of us, but I'm not entirely certain how we qualify as the Axis of Evil in the realm of possible therapists.

[mistconduct]

I didn't say evil, I said shit. You both annoy the crap out of me. I don't know how you are with other people, but I think it's kind of funny you found each other and are bound and determined to form an alliance of shit.

[ Video : Private ]

[surfaceshine]

[This... is difficult. But it needs done, because Dean has come to realize that the people who do help need the reassurance as much as they people they help.

Never mind how he arrived at this and never mind that it likely won't last. He hesitates once the feed is on, clears his throat, and opens lamely with:]

Hi.

[ Video : Private ]

[wedonot]

[He's actually sort of relieved to hear from him, even if he's not going to be forcing Dean to talk about anything that happened if he doesn't want to.

And, well, he looks tired, but Charles almost always looks tired, and the fact that he's genuinely pleased to see Dean helps mask it a little.]

Hi. How are you doing?

[ Video : Private ]

[surfaceshine]

[He doesn't want to. He really, really doesn't want to. But Charles helped him and he's trying to do better at this owing people things.. thing.

Dean does not look tired, but he's been dealing with that for a lot longer than his time on the Barge, so that's a perk.]

Better, actually. Not that that's terribly difficult. You gettin' along?

[Private]

[itstopped]

[He doesn't answer right away. It would be easy to dismiss it out of hand, and at first he's tempted to. If it were a few days ago, he might have. Now, the raw nerve inside of him isn't especially healed yet... but as Riddick put it, he's no longer feeling like he has to fight just to survive, and that makes it easier to behave like a person.

He's still not sure what he thinks about Charles's humanity, but he's being offered some of it right now, and he can admit that's worth something.]

I appreciate that.

[Private]

[wedonot]

[He's very, very tempted to just leave it at that, because he doesn't know what else to say, and he's still not in a good place for an argument. He's not sure if he'll ever be, really, because he just feels exhausted and damaged and he doesn't know how to fix it, which frustrates the hell out of him.

But, after a fairly considerable pause, he's finally just asking the thing that's still bothering him about this.]

Why did you assume it had anything to do with you being a human?

[Private]

[itstopped]

[Now it's his turn to pause again, very clearly calculating his answer. There are a lot of reasons he could give: because Charles is a mutant and Felix still mistrusts nonhumans; because Anya told him what her world was like; because the truth is, he's suspected it of Charles ever since he heard what the man could do and has yet to come around on him the way he has on, say, Rhade.

None of them, he expects, will lead to a productive conversation... and while he's not necessarily interested in having one with his ex-warden, somewhat ungenerously, he also doesn't want to give up the vindication he's just gotten.

In the end, he goes with what he thinks of as the most diplomatic version of the truth, in that it has the least to do with their relative species and the most to do with the part he truly resents the most:]

Because you speak from a very comfortable position of superiority, Charles, in more ways than one. [He holds up a hand to still what he sees as the inevitable protests.] However you may see it.

[fire_punk]

What's therapy?

[wedonot]

Basically, in this context, it's an opportunity to discuss what happened, why it bothered you, and start coming up with ideas to make coping with it easier.

[fire_punk]

That sounds stupid.

Voice

[burnmythoughts]

That's good. That you're doing this.

Voice

[wedonot]

Someone should. And since Mark and I are the only two qualified... [He doesn't really think he should be thanked for this. B(]

Voice

[burnmythoughts]

[Jean nods, frowning slightly.]

You'd think there'd be more. I mean - on a ship like this.

voice (echoey eerie voice);

[frostheart]

Therapy? Though talking?

[ sorry charles, they don't do that sort of thing on azeroth. ]

voice;

[wedonot]

Yes.

voice;

[frostheart]

And there is accomplishment in this?

[spam]

[wecanavenge]

[The day Charles couldn't find his point of serenity was a frightening one. Erik had been using him for an anchor for so long, now, and he knew that Charles had been doing the same with him. They leaned on each other, carried one another when necessary, and it had been more and more necessary of late.

Erik knew what Charles had gone through, with the Vanquish. It had threatened to drown him, walking into that, but he at least had years to learn how to bury it. How to cope. Charles wasn't there yet, and Erik often has it buried to deep to talk about.

But he can feel Charles in the room next door, can 'hear' the brush of his mind, and it only takes a moment to cross from his door and push Charles' open.]

What happened? [His hackles are up, he's protective, because it feels like there's so little left to protect.]

[spam]

[wedonot]

[He glances up, almost surprised to see Erik there, even though he knows he probably shouldn't be. He's not sure if it's a comfort or not, to feel that tenseness, that urge to fight and protect what was left, but at the same time, he was reassured by it, that someone did care, and while there was a part of him that wanted to just say nothing, he was fine, this was Erik, and he had had a point about following his own advice.

But he still doesn't know what to say, and he struggles for a moment, fighting his natural urge to just brush it off like it wasn't a big deal, but not sure how he wanted to actually articulate how he was feeling.]

I feel like I'm falling apart, [He admits slowly, picking his words carefully, like he's afraid of what saying them out loud is going to mean, because he is, in so many ways.] And that no matter what I do or say, things just keep getting worse.

[That wasn't explicitly answering the question, but it was something more than he might have offered under different circumstances.]