FORTY ✖ TEXT

[wedonot]

[Private to Morgana, backdated to after Mozenrath's post]

Mozenrath's asked me to be your interim warden for the foreseeable future. How are you doing?

Comments

[wedonot]

Is there anything you'd want to change to make you feel less like a child?

[youwillgotohell]

The bookcases are bolted down.

[A pause, and she grudgingly admits:]

I can understand why.

But nothing is familiar here. I don't have my magic. I have one dress.

[It's actually pretty threadbare, she's been wearing it for like a year and a half. B(]

I hate it here. [She doesn't mean the room. :c]

[wedonot]

I know. [And he hesitates before saying anything else, because he feels bad, admitting this to people sometimes.]

I do, too, sometimes.

[youwillgotohell]

You could leave.

[PLEASE DON'T LEAVE is what she doesn't say.]

[wedonot]

I won't. I'd never leave Erik here by himself.

[youwillgotohell]

[Yeah there is a very long pause on her end, because she thinks it's good of Charles; but when Merlin said something similar, she wanted to hate him for it.]

Merlin said he wouldn't leave Arthur. Or me.

[wedonot]

[... Well.]

How do you feel about that?

[youwillgotohell]

He's lying. Arthur's the only one that's ever mattered to him.

[wedonot]

How do you feel?

[youwillgotohell]

[Neglected. Unwanted. Useless, helpless, never good enough.]

He tried to kill me. I don't care what he thinks.

[wedonot]

I don't quite believe that. [Or you know. AT ALL.]

[youwillgotohell]

Are you reading my mind, Charles? [Cause that's cheating B(]

[wedonot]

No. [He hasn't been using it all that much since port unless it's to bother Erik/make sure he's still alive. B(]

[youwillgotohell]

He should have been my ally. My friend. He should have helped me. I could have

[She would have loved him for telling her she wasn't alone, for showing her she didn't need to be afraid. But he didn't, and she doesn't really want to think about that.]

I'm tired of being alone.

[wedonot]

He should have. He knows that, too.

But Morgana, you're not alone. I'm not going to ask you to just forget about what Merlin did or didn't do, or trust him or Arthur again, but all I want is to help you.

[youwillgotohell]

And when Erik graduates, or disappears, you'll leave.

And you don't agree with me. You think I'm wrong, that I should leave the kingdom in his hands and just

[She pauses for a long moment cause lol now she's trying not to cry, and it's kind of hard to type when you're trying to clear your vision.]

disappear.

[wedonot]

First of all, not that this is a competition, but I don't necessarily think Erik's going to graduate before you do, and I certainly don't think you should just disappear. What happened to you was so wrong, Morgana. You deserve to be safe and happy, that just shouldn't come at the expense of others.

[youwillgotohell]

I'll never be safe with Arthur on the throne.

[wedonot]

You don't think he has it in him to forgive you?

[youwillgotohell]

I won't forgive him.

[wedonot]

[Forgiveness was never an option?]

Forgiveness takes time and is something you have to earn. No one's expecting you to want to be friends with him or Merlin after what happened.

[youwillgotohell]

[Sadly accurate :C]

Have you read the legends?

[wedonot]

Yes. Most of them, anyway, I don't know if there's anything published after 1962 that I've missed.

[youwillgotohell]

Arthur is always the hero. Merlin is always his adviser.

My sister and I are always the antagonist. I never sit the throne. I never bring peace to Camelot.

Is it fate, do you think? A message? If those worlds are real, then what does it say about my future?

[wedonot]

Absolutely nothing.

Ever since I arrived here, all I've been hearing about is how Erik and I are going to constantly be at war with each other, and that we'll drag kids in the middle of it and apparently not give much of a damn if it hurts them. Apparently our government is never going to accept us, and they'll sanction use of extremely destructive weapons against us to try and wipe us out, and try to force "cures" on us, instead of trying to find common ground. [And he hesitates before saying the next part, because, well. It's still basically impossible to imagine what the hell is going to happen to make Jean want to kill him.] I've been told one of my students is going to kill me.

If I let myself believe that was the only future I had to look forward to, I'm not sure I'd ever leave the Barge, as awful as it is here. But I still believe we can do something to stop it from happening, or at least prevent some of the damage it could cause, and I know everyone's always talking about how the Barge is designed to give inmates a second chance, but maybe that's true for wardens, too.

Your "fate" or "destiny" is whatever you ultimately decide for yourself, based on choices you made. There's no mystical force guiding us along to make these decisions, it's just us.