wedonot | FORTY NINE ✖ VOICE/SPAM

[Private to Lua]

Anya's asked me to share the conversation we had during the flood a few weeks ago with you. When would be a good time for you?

[Private to Merlin]

How long has Morgana been back? [He is willing to bet that you've known she's back for a while. B(]

[Filtered to Jean and Alex]

Arkady wanted to speak with me and a few other mutants about things she's experienced in her world. Would you two be interested in coming along with me?

[Open Spam for the CES]

[Erik's assessment to Moira during the flood - that Charles wasn't depressed and was still an optimist - was accurate. He'd come a long way from the crushing, oppressive, miserable depression that had followed him since Cuba, and things felt better, if not perfect.

But - as it often seemed to happen - recently, things had gone from fine to getting progressively harder to deal with, and Charles needed space and time to deal with it, to give himself time to rebuild his defenses and come back ready for more of it, which was why he was currently running through the CES in sweats and had been for the better part of an hour. The CES was currently a forest, probably somewhere in North America or maybe Europe. The air was chilly and damp, but not enough to be uncomfortable, and when he finally stopped, panting, leaning against a tree, he squinted up at the sky and trying to determine if it was actually going to start raining or not.

Ever since his spine had been healed, he'd maybe overcompensated for the time he'd spent in the wheelchair, or maybe it had something to do with what had happened with the Vanquish, but either way, he often went on runs in the morning. Today was different in that he was pushing himself to the point of exhaustion, because as long as he kept moving, it felt like he was doing something, allowed him to turn his mind off for a while, instead of examining his guilt about what he'd done to Moira, or his conflicting feelings about Anya, or his worry about Morgana. It was hard not to feel trapped, here, but the CES helped, and so he didn't move to leave just yet, wanting to catch his breath before he headed back in.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Welp.]

You did what you had to.

[Nope, sorry, not hearing that, having a bit of a self hatred-y meltdown rn. :|] But I didn't have to. I didn't even ask her if it's what she wanted, or explain to her why I thought it was a good idea, I just did it, and I've been beating myself up about it ever since because it was just so bloody selfish of me to do.

[gdi Charles what has he said about this :|]

Have you completely lost your mind? She was a government agent, do you really think they wouldn't have made her talk? They fired on us, even knowing she was there, how else were you going to protect the house?

[SELF. HATREDY. MELTDOWN.]

We could have figured something out! I could have wiped their minds, I don't know! I could have at least explained myself to her!

How many minds were on those ships do you think, Charles? How many in the CIA did Shaw leave alive that knew about us? You did what had to be done - what had to be done, and if you hadn't, how long do you think it would have been before they moved in?

She- [He stops before he can finish the protest, because even if she hadn't said anything, they still might have destroyed her life. He wouldn't really put it past someone like Stryker to order her tortured, or locked up, or something else, and that had been what he'd clung to when he thought about how he was doing this for her own good, that it was safer for everyone if she didn't remember, but.

When he finds his voice again, it's thick with emotion, although thankfully he isn't on the verge of tears, which would just be embarrassing.]

I loved her, Erik. You- [But he cuts himself off again, because it feels too much like an accusation, to say Erik didn't understand how hard it had been for him to go through everything without his best friend, or his sister, or Moira, and even though he was upset, he didn't want to rub salt in old wounds any more than he had to.] I'm tired of pushing the people I care for away.

[He wants to say, you did not, but he can't, they never talked about this, about her. She had been, no matter how grudgingly he had to admit it, an ally, he knew Charles had flirted, but love? That was something more than he expected, and he goes quiet for a long moment, trying to work out what to say.]

I'm sorry. [A beat; he takes a breath.] But I don't think you had another option.

[It's something he doesn't really want to talk about in greater detail, even with Erik, because it's personal and complicated and not something he really understands, honestly, because it's not like he's ever had good role models, when it comes to stable, long term, loving romantic relationships. And it wasn't even like he'd really realized that had been how things were until he'd talked with his counterpart and done a lot of thinking on the subject, and, well. It was complicated.

But Erik didn't understand what it had been like for him after Cuba, and he didn't really want to share that with him, ever, for his friend's sake as much as it was him trying to be self protective and forget it had happened.

So he's quiet for a long moment, definitely long enough to wonder if he was done with the conversation except for the fact that he hadn't cut off the feed.]

My counterpart said they almost got married. They went to Oxford together. But apparently she called off the engagement and never said why. [He lets out a sort of self depreciating huff.] So I guess that's just another universal constant to look forward to.

[Erik's a terrible parent, Charles always ends up alone, they can never agree on anything important. Hooray. B(]

[He knows he ought to say something reassuring, tell Charles not to think that, but can he? He's moped and been in foul moods over his apparent constants. Should he deny Charles his frustration, just because he's still angry with Moira?

Erik is silent for a long moment, before he exhales loudly.]

I seem to recall you saying that I might be a decent father, one day.

[Charles considers for a beat and lets out a gentle chuckle, because, well. Just because he's feeling shitty right now doesn't mean he's gotten all crazy about that issue.]

I'm not taking that back.

Then even a universal constant doesn't have to apply to us. [Hint hint, buddy.]

[Okay, hint taken, cheering up slightly. :c]

I suppose we'll make an optimist out of you yet.

[Good >(]

I wouldn't go that far.

[Your aggressive concern works. B(]

I suppose I'd have to find someone else to argue with.

Or be terribly bored.

[A beat.]

I still think you did the right thing.

[Slightly darkly. B(] That makes one of us.

... Don't tell anyone? Alex knows, but it's obviously not something I'm particularly proud of.

[Ugh Charles B( snap out of it bro B(]

It's a good thing you asked, I might have announced it on the network for all and sundry to hear.

[You don't get a monopoly on brooding. B(]

That's exactly what I was afraid of. [Except no, seriously.] Thank you.

[Which is more of a thank you for trying to cheer him up and stuff, because lol there was never any doubt that you'd keep quiet about this. B(]

[YES HE CAN HE BOUGHT PARK PLACE B(

And he speaks Charles at this point, so there's a smile in his voice.] You're welcome.

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