wedonot | SEVEN ✖ TEXT/SPAM

[Generous Friends Filter - if you think you're on it, you are.]

If you all wouldn't mind checking in, I'd appreciate it.

[Private to Gaeta]

Are you alright?

[Spam for Erik]

[So. That port.

Coming back and remembering everything that had happened was sort of like being punched in the stomach and having the wind knocked out of him, and for a long moment, all he could do was sit and try to process everything.

He'd been able to walk. And maybe considering it had only been a few weeks - or months now, he realized - since he'd been injured, to an outsider, that might not seem like it should have been that big of a deal, but to him, it was basically everything. He wouldn't be here if it wasn't. But that person, that other self or whatever it was, had been willing to go too far to get his mobility back, and all he was left with was a bad taste in his mouth, overwhelming guilt and feeling vaguely sick. Sick because (while he already painfully missed being able to stand up and walk and run and not have to carefully plan out everything to make sure he wasn't stuck somewhere) everything else in that world had been awful. He hated himself for feeling any kind of jealously of his counterpart, because yes, he'd been able to walk but at what cost, how selfish did you need to be to make a decision like that, your life, your benefit at the cost of others? It was alien and frightening and just disgusting to think that for a few days, he'd been that person and the memories of what he'd done would never fully go away. He knew he hadn't really been in control of what had happened, but he still felt like he was responsible, that he was or had been a monster while they'd been in that world and he didn't know what to do with that.

Eventually he realized he had things he needed to do other than sit around feeling vaguely sick and full of misplaced self loathing - how could anyone just walk up to someone and rip their heart out of their body like it wasn't a big deal, it was just part of the job? and was he really that much better than him, selling himself away to the Admiral for the same reward - and decided to try focusing on that instead of the crushing weight of what had happened. He sent messages out to people, checking in on them and replying for a little bit before deciding he needed to check on Erik.

Maybe it was a comfort thing, to be around someone familiar from back home, maybe it was just easier to focus on other people's well being than what had happened to him, maybe he just needed to get out of his room for a while, but whatever the reason, he pulled himself back into his chair and headed next door, knocked on the door and waited.]