[She's surprised that he wants to understand, even though he always does, because she's stumbled into a headspace where she still believes there isn't anything in her to understand, anything worth understanding. Magneto always had his own explanations for her unacceptable behavior.
But she is listening to him, not merely enduring his anger, and his plaintive, frustrated search for her answers tugs her back a few steps out of her past. She still feels the terrible creeping fear that saying more means she's totally exposed, that she's being idiotically foolish, that trying to offer any explanation will only get her in worse trouble, but - she asked him to be brutally honest. He opened with that. It's still a small leap of faith, believing that he means it when he says he wants to hear some part of her side just as much as he means the castigations. But it's - consistent, with what she knows of him. And she owes it to Erik, at least, to take the risk.]
I don't know either. Not completely. It all happened really fast. I was going to meet Spock and I was already really keyed up and nervous and kind of weirded out because I hate floods that make me not human, it's like, like everything that mattered about my life can just be erased. And I was going to learn to do it right, and I was going to ask, or that was one of the plans anyway, but I was thinking about a dozen different things and then suddenly he's there and groaning and putting words in my head without talking, and I just thought, he was going to see all the worst parts of me and realize he'd made a terrible mistake and it wasn't fair, it wasn't fair for everyone else to always be stronger, and it wasn't fair for him to make himself so important to me and then recoil before I'd had a chance to see if he really meant any of it, and I knew if I ran to the lesson he'd know why because he was in my head, and he'd be prepared not to let me touch him if I tried again afterwards and I'd never get another chance to know, so I just - grabbed the opportunity.
holy run on sentence OTL
I'm not surprised that you're upset.
[She's surprised that he wants to understand, even though he always does, because she's stumbled into a headspace where she still believes there isn't anything in her to understand, anything worth understanding. Magneto always had his own explanations for her unacceptable behavior.
But she is listening to him, not merely enduring his anger, and his plaintive, frustrated search for her answers tugs her back a few steps out of her past. She still feels the terrible creeping fear that saying more means she's totally exposed, that she's being idiotically foolish, that trying to offer any explanation will only get her in worse trouble, but - she asked him to be brutally honest. He opened with that. It's still a small leap of faith, believing that he means it when he says he wants to hear some part of her side just as much as he means the castigations. But it's - consistent, with what she knows of him. And she owes it to Erik, at least, to take the risk.]
I don't know either. Not completely. It all happened really fast. I was going to meet Spock and I was already really keyed up and nervous and kind of weirded out because I hate floods that make me not human, it's like, like everything that mattered about my life can just be erased. And I was going to learn to do it right, and I was going to ask, or that was one of the plans anyway, but I was thinking about a dozen different things and then suddenly he's there and groaning and putting words in my head without talking, and I just thought, he was going to see all the worst parts of me and realize he'd made a terrible mistake and it wasn't fair, it wasn't fair for everyone else to always be stronger, and it wasn't fair for him to make himself so important to me and then recoil before I'd had a chance to see if he really meant any of it, and I knew if I ran to the lesson he'd know why because he was in my head, and he'd be prepared not to let me touch him if I tried again afterwards and I'd never get another chance to know, so I just - grabbed the opportunity.