wedonot | SIXTY ONE ✖ VOICE & SPAM

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SIXTY ONE ✖ VOICE & SPAM

[Friends Filter]

[Charles sounds tired - and anyone who was in the infirmary right after port ended might have noticed him hovering while people tried to help Zane - but otherwise, actually pretty okay.]

I know we're all exhausted and in need of some relaxation, but if everyone wouldn't mind letting me know you got out alright, I'd appreciate it. And if there's anything I can do for any of you, don't hesitate to let me know.

[Spam for Erik]

[Getting his telepathy back felt like he'd been unblindfolded, and while he had noticed the change immediately, in the first minutes back on the Barge, he hadn't had time to appreciate it. The focus was instead on saving Zane's life, and it wasn't until he was stable and unconscious that Charles had the time to reach out with his gift and reassure himself that they were back, they had made it out, and so had the people he cared about.

He'd checked on the kids first, reassured himself that they were in one piece and mostly in need of rest before anything else, and reassured them that he just needed much of the same before looking for Erik.

It's not difficult. His mind had almost instinctively wrapped itself around the familiar presence as soon as it had been established that Zane would be alright, and so Charles catches up to his friend as Erik's coming down from the deck, a relieved smile immediately stretching across his face as he gets his first good look at him.]

This might be the ultimate instance of the pot calling the kettle black, [Because he knows he's got some cuts on his face and other minor injuries from their time in port, too.] but you look like you're about to fall over.

[ooc: Filter includes but is not limited to the immediate X-Fam, Zane, Merlin, Arthur, Morgana, Anya, Pietro, Barbara, Tony, Kelsier, the Emperor, Ivy, and even you, Felix. Basically anyone Charles is friendly with or would have reason to check up with, idk I'm always bad with these filters and end up forgetting someone. /o\

Also, feel free to spam him if you want! He'll probably be pretty unconscious for the first day and a half afterward, but will be up and around after that.]

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[It's hard talking to Anya sometimes - or really, all the time - because he constantly feels like he needs to be careful about how he reacts, or what he says, and this is certainly one of those times.

Again, it's bringing up Wanda that triggers the discomfort, because he's just become so conflicted on the issue. He hates that it happened, he hates that she did it, but he doesn't hate her, and he wants to be there for her. She just... was difficult, and he didn't want to mess this up.]

Well, I'm glad she was able to help. [It seemed like nice, even ground to settle on.] How is she?

[She glances up, giving him a tight, sharp-edged smile. She knows from deflection.]

I do know it would have been justice, if she were real. But that wasn't the point.

[And then she lets her eyes fall back to her teacup, takes another slow sip, and allows the conversation to lapse into the easier topic he offered.]

Shaken, but all right, I think. I hope. She wasn't badly hurt and she is kind of a hero.

[This smile is as different from the first as could be. Still small, but warm and dear. As far as Anya is concerned, there's no 'kind of' about it.]

[Charles barely hears what she says about Lua, even though there's a part of him that registers it. Instead, he's just staring at her, not sure if he's hurt or just surprised, and if it's the former, he's not sure what he's hurt about, her acting like he'd agree with her, that it would be justice for her to have died there and Wanda rescued, or that she thinks that.]

That wouldn't have been justice, Anya. I don't-

[He fumbles, not sure how to articulate this.]

You don't deserve to die for what happened to your sister. I've never thought that. I know we have a difficult time agreeing on much of anything, but that doesn't mean I don't care, or that I would want you left in a place like that. [He'd have helped Erik get the ship turned around okay. B(]

Well. You're a bit squeamish.

[She doesn't mean anything bad by it, really. But she does think he's wrong, too emotional - too sympathetic, if not empathetic - to judge with clear-eyed harshness. She's a little touched, actually, that she falls within the circle of people he cares for enough to warp his quasi-pacifistic sensibilities, that he can't bear to follow his disgust of her actions to its natural consequences because his affection is enough to obstruct the way. She takes another sip, muses contemplatively.]

Perhaps justice is the wrong word. It's not entirely a question of retribution or punishment. But if that were the bargain on offer - a guilty life sacrificed, in exchange for an innocent one on my own head - then it would be right to take it. I owe her. I should have been willing to die for her before I hurt her anyway. She was my sister.

She was there too, after the coffin. She begged me to stay. Poor twisted shade, as vicious as I am, she threatened to kill me when I tried to bring her with us, tried to leave. I wanted to give her what she asked for, but she wasn't real, she was just - bait on a fishhook.

[Poor thing, whatever she was. Anya couldn't stay, but she feels more sorry for it than she knows how to say.]

Self-sacrifice wasn't the bargain available, because life doesn't come from death. I can only save her by surviving, by trying to be kinder, by becoming the kind of person who could save someone else the way Lua is saving me. So I'm trying, Charles. I have been for awhile now.

Edited 2013-06-14 03:49 (UTC)

[He does kind of resent the label, regardless of her not meaning anything bad by it. He's seen a lot, first hand and by use of his abilities, and she's the only one he had to walk away from, because he just couldn't handle talking to her about the fact that she'd sacrificed a child's life for her own goals, because she's right. In his mind, she should have been willing to do anything to get her sister out from under their father's thumb, too, and he's very certain that doesn't make him squeamish.

He'd walked away because he'd been shocked and upset and angry with her, and he didn't want to make things worse by staying and saying something he'd regret later. Which is part of why instead of trying to argue about it, that he's not weak or stupid or afraid, he just nods.]

I know you have, and I'm glad you are.

[She doesn't think he's weak or stupid or afraid, is the odd thing: only contradictory, too earnest and emotionally compromised to hold her to account for her sins, even when he loathes them. She chafes under his leniency; it feels like condescension to her, Charles's desire to avoid conflict translating in Anya's mind into the implication that she couldn't emotionally withstand the truth about herself as he sees it, as if she doesn't live with that truth, or as if she's still self-deluding enough not to understand the extent of her own moral failings, even when she's laid out her emotions as well as she can.

She wants to hiss through her teeth but she doesn't. She knows he's trying, is this worst part of it all, she believes that he believes that he cares about her, disrespect though his expression of it feels - he wouldn't mince so gently otherwise. Which means that if she attacks him on it, if she bares her teeth and demands a fight, it only makes her more the guilty party. She feels abruptly outmaneuvered, and she hates it. She takes in slow breathes and sips her tea, eyes falling to trace the table cloth.]

Did the kid gloves work on Erik?

[She asks it - clinically. Not cold, or edged, or disinterested or dubious. Just neatly hemmed in. She's actually a little curious, for all that it's incontrovertibly backhanded.]

[The question half surprises him, but he answers promptly enough anyway.]

I didn't need them. I didn't need to get upset or angry or anything, either, we've just- [He's always had a difficult time describing exactly how he and Erik got along, because he's just not great at articulating this sort of thing, and it's sort of unlike most other friendships he's experience and witnessed. You either understood it, or you didn't.] Always understood each other.

[And he's pretty sure the two of them really don't.]

[She doesn't understand the mechanism of it; the closest she's experienced is flashes of connection with Ben, even though in some ways their perspectives are worlds apart. But it makes sense to her as an answer, that they are simply part of a world together that she can't reach.]

Why do you use them with me?

[And this is - not an accusation. She's attempting to be straightforward, not cruel.]

[It still takes him a moment to decide how to respond, although he does look at her while he does it. That's... something.]

I don't mean to?

It feels like you're always - being nicer to me than I deserve. Just so I won't do something terrible. I'm not like that.

[Mostly.]

That's not what I'm trying to do, Anya. I'm not like that. [He's not completely above being manipulative, but it's on a way smaller scale. His intentions with this and the conversation they've been having have been entirely pure, in all honesty.]

You're important to people I consider family, and I just like helping people. That's all. I'm not... expecting anything from you in exchange.

I don't want help from someone who doesn't actually like me just because of magneto.

I've lived enough on grudging forbearance.

I don't not like you, we just don't see eye to eye on several things. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't bother asking how you're doing, or invite you over for something like this. [Because, you know, it would be a lot easier to just ignore her, even though they do live on the same floor.] I certainly don't side with your father, or have any particular affection for him.

[And seriously if you think he does, there has been an enormous misunderstanding here.]

No, I know you don't. I just -

[she twists her cup around in her hands, fiddling.]

He wouldn't let them kill me. He never let me forget I was worthless and unwanted, but his followers wanted him to kill Mama and me, make a clean break of it with all things homo sapien. But he wouldn't. And all these people that despised me had to tolerate my continued existence on the fringes of their super-important headquarters.

And I know Erik is different, but it still feels - I don't want to be put with for his sake.

Edited 2013-06-23 04:58 (UTC)

[Charles puts his down, folding his hands and balancing his elbows on his knees.]

Honestly, I'm glad you brought this up, because I'm tired of everyone assuming the worst of me because of what I am and who I associate with. This isn't some scheme, I'm not solely tolerating you for the sake of other people, and I didn't mean anything by it.

If you're uncomfortable with that, I understand and I'm sorry. I won't bother you anymore.

I like him better than you!

[She says it with half a laugh, strained but amused anyway. It's a bar of medium altitude. The point is - it's not about association. Her problems with Charles are - more or less - between them.]

I guess I just...I believe that you care, the behavioral evidence is there, because I'm Erik's family or because you just want to help everyone or whatever your reasons are. But I can't...disagreement is one thing, but I don't know how to reconcile your disgust with...liking me.

I know it's there, but you almost never show it, which makes everything else seem more like it must be smokescreen.

I know you do. [And he doesn't care, really. It's good for them. He just wishes she liked him more, which is ridiculous, but he really does feel like he's failing at this all over the place.]

It's not. I don't know how to prove that, but it isn't.

Just...criticize me sometimes, don't be so careful, I don't know.

You said you were glad about my honesty.

I have been honest this whole time. You know how I feel about what happened to Wanda, but I'd never want you to be stuck somewhere like that, and I don't want you dead.

If there's opportunity to, I'll try to, but at the moment, I don't have anything particularly critical to say.

[She gives him a look, dubious and torn and a little bit lost, before bursting out,]

It can't be that easy.

In this case, it is. Next time we have a discussion about morality or politics, things might be different.

I'm pretty sure that was a conversation about morality. I was trying to have one, anyway.

I'm not saying it wasn't. I'm saying I might have something different to say next time we're discussing something like this.

You're always so diplomatic.

[Still a litle frustrated, but it's sheepish, too. It's such a ridiculous thing to complain about, except for how much she associates it with seething, hidden hatred. She knows it's irrational, that she's projecting. And yet.]

I'm just being honest.

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fridgetothefire - 2013-07-08 01:20 (UTC) - Expand

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wedonot - 2013-07-09 02:13 (UTC) - Expand

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SIXTY ONE ✖ VOICE & SPAM

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