wedonot | FIFTY EIGHT ✖ VOICE

[Private to Zane]

[He's not really sure what to make of the pairing announcements in some ways, but he's hoping it's a good thing that they've already had some time to get used to each other, that there's some manner of trust there. He knows he screwed up with Felix and feels like he's been more or less useless to Morgana, but Zane seems like someone who needs some positive direction, and he's hopeful he can provide that.]

I've got your file. We should probably arrange a time to meet. Do you have a preference? [He assumes you've been let out of Zero by now, but.]

[Filtered to Erik, Jean and Alex]

[Charles sounds more serious than tired, although there's certainly a sort of weariness in his voice because this is not exactly a fun topic to be discussing.] Considering it seems as though whatever destination the Barge is heading towards isn't exactly going to be a pleasant one, I'd highly recommend everyone taking precautions in case we're left somewhere dangerous without access to our abilities or other means of defending ourselves. ["Like the Vanquish" is going unsaid, but the three of you know why he'd be overly cautious about an announcement like that, so.]

Obviously there's no guarantee that we'll be able to bring supplies with us, but in case there is, I'd strongly suggest making certain your flight suits are on hand and undamaged, and potentially even packing an emergency kit to leave with them.

[He knows he's sounding kind of bossy, but he's worried and doesn't want anything to happen - even though it probably will anyway - so he's maybe stepping up and saying something about this instead of just letting things happen. B(]

[Private to Erik]

[And now putting the other two off the filter because the grown ups need to talk.]

We should talk.

[Private Separately to Barbara and Arthur]

If your schedule permits it, I'd be very interested in upping the number of days we train. [He's assuming at least Arthur won't mind having an extra few hours a week to beat the crap out of him at least.]

[Private to Gwaine]

Are you still interested in sparring?

[Private to Bruce]

[He feels kind of awkward asking this, but.] I have a favor to ask.

[Private to Merlin]

[Wryly:] I'd say "how do you feel about heading up to the CES", but considering it sounds as if the Admiral's turned it into a bit of a minor war zone, I'm not certain it would necessarily be the best place to catch up.

[Private Separately to Rorschach and Kon]

I'd like to talk with you about what happened between Cassel and Zane.

[Private to the Admiral]

Please deliver three months supply of copper and tin to Zane's room, and a small supply of other allomancy metals to my room in case the need for them arises.

[And after talking with Erik about the upcoming port:]

I'd also like two hand guns, enough spare ammunition for both, two gun safes, and two decent sized hunting knives, please. [Look he's asking politely! c: Although just saying, he might actually appreciate a Barge shaped stress ball right now.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[He nods. Merlin's own opinion on destiny and how tightly any given person is tied to it...well, it varies. It's not something he wants to believe but it's hard to argue with the evidence of his experiences, sometimes.]

If...you want to talk about what happened to you in the flood, I'll listen.

[He knows Charles struggles to talk about much of anything personal; Merlin suspects he doesn't want to think of himself as burdening anyone. But equally, he's not going to force him, either.]

[He's been working on it. He still didn't love talking about himself - he didn't want to burden anyone, and he didn't want them to think that he couldn't handle things - but some recent events had made him warm a little to the idea of confiding in Erik, and he knew he could confide in Merlin.

So he shrugged a little, trying to figure out a good way to put this.]

It didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know. Without Erik, we all would have died in Cuba one way or another. [Except now he knew what it felt like to feel yourself dying, and to know that everyone you'd ever cared about was likely dead or going to die. That he could have done without.] I suppose I'm more worried about what sort of effect knowing that has on him.

You've meant so much to one another for a long time, now. You don't think he already knew how great a part he has in your lives?

[Charles laughs softly and shakes his head.] No, of course he knows that, I meant more-

[He sighs, sobering.] Instead of following Shaw and spending his entire adult life alone and angry, he let himself settle down. He had a wife and a daughter, and things weren't perfect, but he was happy. And despite all that, the man who ruined his life started a nuclear war because he wasn't there to stop it. And I couldn't do it on my own. [He could have, if it wasn't for that damn helmet, and God, he wished Erik would just throw it over the side instead of keeping it on his desk like some sort of trophy.]

I just want him to be happy. [And safe, with people who loved him and would be there to support him when things went badly. And he knew that eventually, Erik had found him and the kids and could maybe have had something like peace and security, but he was still angry and hurt. Knowing them now didn't change that he'd spent so much of his life alone, and it just hurt to know that someone you loved needed to suffer for the benefit of everyone. It didn't seem fair.]

[A life of anger and pain that saved the world from destruction, versus a life knowing love and happiness that was doomed to end prematurely. Merlin wouldn't want to think on that choice either. Except - ]

He still can be. He deserves to be. You believe that, don't you?

Of course I do. I think I probably believe that more than anyone. [Which wasn't him bragging, he just genuinely thought Erik deserved the very best life had to offer, and sometimes it seemed like the people who could see that were very much in the minority.] I'd just rather the Admiral stop dangling it in front of his face like that.

[He nods.]

Of course. Though I wish the Admiral could stop steering us into troubled waters altogether.

That makes two of us. [He's quiet for a long moment, considering how best to put this.]

I'm not sure Morgana's interested in my help anymore.

[Merlin frowns faintly, glancing down at the table. Given that Charles is so often invested in gathering up gifted people and helping them whether they want it (Jean, Alex etc.) or not (Erik, debatably), Morgana must have well and truly burnt that bridge for Charles to be bringing it up.]

You can't force her to accept it.

[And although it's too callous to say out loud, it's not Charles' job to; he has his own Inmate, after all.]

I know. [Which... isn't explicitly true, but they both know that him using his powers for something like that is and always has been completely off the table, no matter how dire the circumstance.] I just thought... [He shakes his head and lets out a sigh, frustrated.] I just thought I was helping her, by being someone she could talk to or be vulnerable around who might not agree with her, but still wanted to be there for her. But ever since she vanished, it's like I can't say or do anything right and the only reason she bothers putting up with me is to have free access to the CES.

I don't think anyone can. Not really.

[Not except the sort of toxic bad influences who'll agree with anything she says because they perceive a use for her. And as much as he doesn't want to advocate for abandoning her to the kinds of people who'd see her as much as a tool as an ally, he can't recommend that Charles stay by her side and show her that no level of maltreatment will shake his loyalty to her. That's not a good lesson to teach, nor one to be taught.]

...I don't think I understand what would be 'right' to her any more. I'm not even sure she knows, sometimes.

[And therein lies the problem: he doesn't want her to write him off as just another person who abandoned her when she needed him, but at the same time, teaching her that you could be terrible to people and they would stand by you anyway wasn't healthy for either one of them.]

I don't, either. [He sighs, taking a drink before saying anything further.] It's frustratingly depressing.

[He nods his agreement, frowning. He wishes someone could get through to Morgana - maybe not Charles, definitely not Merlin himself, but someone. But if she's not letting anyone in...]

Maybe if you leave her be for a while, she'll come to understand that you've offered her something no-one else has.

[Though he's not enormously convinced.]

Maybe.

[He doesn't really sound very convinced, either. B(]

FIFTY EIGHT ✖ VOICE

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